{"id":4277,"date":"2025-08-10T09:00:00","date_gmt":"2025-08-10T09:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.satecsite.org\/?p=4277"},"modified":"2025-08-11T10:14:20","modified_gmt":"2025-08-11T10:14:20","slug":"a-random-woman-slid-into-my-dms-turns-out-she-was-my-mum","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.satecsite.org\/index.php\/2025\/08\/10\/a-random-woman-slid-into-my-dms-turns-out-she-was-my-mum\/","title":{"rendered":"\u2018A random woman slid into my DMs \u2013 turns out she was my mum\u2019"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\n\t\t\"Candace\t<\/div>
Candace Bryan’s lifelong absent mother sent her an Instagram message saying her comedy looked cool (Picture: Jamie Henderson)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Candace Bryan planned on doing her debut Edinburgh Fringe<\/a> hour about her dad, who raised her as a single parent. <\/p>\n

But last year, the US comedian was doomscrolling, and her estranged mother has slid into her DMs. Now, she’s got a lot to unpack. <\/p>\n

‘I had mostly written her off,’ Candace tells Metro <\/strong>in a chat ahead of her Fringe run, where she will discuss this mysterious enigma that is her mother every night in her show MILF (Mom I’d Like to Find).<\/p>\n

Candace’s mother and father divorced when she was a baby. She had not seen or heard from her since, save one time she remembers as a child. <\/p>\n

‘It was kind of a blur, but I sort of remember not liking her very much and I remember her smoking a lot of cigarettes,’ Candace says. <\/p>\n

But while Candace spent much of her life thinking her mother didn’t have custody of her and so was unable to opt into her life, the opposite was true. <\/p>\n

A few years ago, Candace asked her dad about her mum. It was only then that she found out about the custody.<\/p>\n

(Candace is from Memphis, where she says families don’t talk as openly as in other US states, so a lot of her knowledge was based on assumption).<\/p>\n

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She was raised by a single dad in his 20s (Picture: Jamie Henderson)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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\n\t\t\"\"\t<\/div>
‘It seemed like there’s a lack of empathy, if she can’t see how this is coming across from my perspective. It was very triggering.’ (Picture: Jamie Henderson)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

‘I remember being really affected by that, because I had been telling myself this story for so many years that she wasn’t really expected to show up for me in a way. But it turns out she was, and she just chose not to.’ <\/p>\n

So you can imagine Candace’s distress when her mother randomly followed her on Instagram. <\/p>\n

Her name isn’t a common one, so when Candace saw it flash up on her social media she dared to think: ‘Is that my mother?’ <\/p>\n

‘I started looking at her profile and I was like, this person kind of looks like me but in their 50s, which is the age that she would be,’ Candace explains. <\/p>\n

Then she slid into Candace’s DMs basically saying, ‘Hey, I’m your biological mum!’<\/p>\n

‘When I thought about my first contact with my biological mum, I can not begin to tell you how it never occurred to me that that would be on Instagram,’ Candace says.<\/p>\n

‘She sent this really nice message,’ Candace explains – though what happened next flawed her. <\/p>\n

Her mum was just joining social media for the first time in a few years and said how amazing Candace’s life looked, that she’s proud of her, and that she would love to be in touch.<\/p>\n

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https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/p\/DKe2tGVseQD\/?hl=en<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<\/figure>\n

‘I didn’t really know how to react, so I spent a couple of days kind of talking to my dad and talking to my friends and figuring out what I wanted to do and if I wanted to reply, because it was a bit flippant,’ Candace says. <\/p>\n

‘It seemed strange and so out of the blue, and I couldn’t help but have the thought of why now? It’s kind of scary. Like, why all of a sudden is she reaching out, is something wrong?’<\/p>\n

But when Candace decided to reply, she went into the conversation, and her mother had deleted the message and unfollowed her on Instagram.<\/p>\n

‘I hadn’t really had an emotional reaction tothe original message, because I’m kind of a reserved person, and I’m very cautious emotionally. <\/p>\n

‘But when I saw that had happened, it really triggered such an emotional reaction in me. It was very hurtful,’ she admits. <\/p>\n

Candace also felt angry, as it seemed like her mother was punishing her for not being more decisive about replying sooner. <\/p>\n

‘It seemed like there’s a lack of empathy, if she can’t see how this is coming across from my perspective. It was very triggering.’<\/p>\n

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\n\t\t\"\"\t<\/div>
Candace doesn’t resent her mother for what she did (Picture: Jamie Henderson)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

It was funny timing. Candace had been thinking a lot about how the absence of her mother had shaped her over the past year before the Instagram message.<\/p>\n

She’s never been a girly-girl, for instance. Candace is also in her 30s and child-free by choice. While there are many other factors in Candace’s decision – a love for her comedy<\/a> work, financial reasons, and kids just being a lot<\/em> of work – a lack of a mother figure definitely contributed.<\/p>\n

‘I think not having experienced being mothered, there’s just not a drive in me to want to be a mother,’ she says. <\/p>\n

So it changed her life path. It’s also given her ‘textbook’ abandonment issues. <\/p>\n

‘It’s definitely affected my relationships. I have anxieties around feeling the need to be perfect and having to earn people’s love, or else they’ll leave,’ she explains. <\/p>\n

Growing up, Candace never felt a lack of love or attention. She was raised by a loving father – her best friend. He did an incredible job, even as a 20-something single dad. He grew up with an absent father himself, so knows Candace’s experience well.<\/p>\n

‘I didn’t sit around as a child and think, “Why did I have a mum?” Because I sort of felt like my dad was my mum and my dad,’ she says.<\/p>\n

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https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/p\/DMLdN_ss89i\/?hl=en<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<\/figure>\n

It’s strange that Candace’s story seems so foreign. We never usually think of a single parent being a man, and if they are, it’s assumed they are a devoted and selfless widow, not that a woman ‘peaced out’ of motherhood like Candace’s did.<\/p>\n

‘I think it says a lot about the expectations that we put on women,’ Candace says, having been surprised to meet other people with absent mothers (they do exist).<\/p>\n

‘Like, “a woman can’t leave her child because women are supposed to be these goddess mother figures who would never have the reason to leave that a man would.” That’s not always the case.’ <\/p>\n

After the Instagram message, Candace and her father talked much more about her mum. <\/p>\n

‘I called my dad crying, and we ended up having a really big conversation about it,’ she recalls. <\/p>\n

Candace’s mother was the eldest of several children, many of whom she was made responsible for. Then she had Candace, aged 18.<\/p>\n

‘I can empathise with that being a really tough situation,’ Candace says. <\/p>\n

‘Not to get dark, but the culture of abortion in America, and thinking about getting pregnant at 17… The pressures that you must be under, and having to make such a big life decision.<\/p>\n

‘I can’t imagine being in that position, just because I was raised with so much more support, that if I had ended up in that position, I would have had different choices available to me.’ <\/p>\n

Candace doesn’t resent her mother for what she did. <\/p>\n

‘If I or my friends were in that position all you can really do is feel sorry for someone,’ she says. <\/p>\n

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\n\t\t\"\"\t<\/div>
Candace would like her mother to know that she doesn’t resent her. She has empathy (Picture: Jamie Henderson)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

A few months later, Candace’s mother tried to contact her again – this time through her relative. Now her details are with Candace, who is contemplating her next move.<\/p>\n

‘At that point I was of the mindset of thinking this is not necessarily someone who, at least anytime soon, I’m ready to bring into my life,’ Candace says. <\/p>\n

‘There’s a lack of care and empathy and stability with how they’re approaching it, that is kind of off putting to me.’ <\/p>\n

But curiosity will likely take over when Candace is ready. <\/p>\n

‘I know so much who I am is affected by the way that I was raised, but I’m sure there are parts of me that are similar to this person, and how could I not want to see that?’ Candace explains. <\/p>\n

Mostly though, Candace feels empathy. She would like her mother to know that. <\/p>\n

‘There’s part of me too that really wants to get in contact at least in a small way to say: “By the way, I don’t hate you, and I’m not mad at you. Any guilt that you feel is understandable.<\/p>\n

‘”But I don’t want you to think that I’m over here resenting you over the decisions you’ve made, when I’m actually very much able to understand them.”‘ <\/p>\n

Candace Bryan: MILF (Mom I’d Like to Find) is on every day at the Edinburgh Fringe in August at 3.15pm at the Just The Sub-Atomic Room at Just the Tonic Nucleus. Tickets here<\/a>. <\/em><\/p>\n

Got a story?<\/strong><\/p>\n

If you\u2019ve got a celebrity story, video or pictures get in touch with the Metro.co.uk<\/a> entertainment team by emailing us celebtips@metro.co.uk, calling 020 3615 2145 or by visiting our Submit Stuff<\/a> page – we\u2019d love to hear from you.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n


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